I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
