Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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