I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
