god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
