She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
