What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
this just has baby written all over it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
