Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
