Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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