i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
