You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize