I looked at my own cervix.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
