I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
