I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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