I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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