i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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