I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
