my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
