update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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