I will die if light touches me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
