My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
