Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
