I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
