He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
