My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the gays at disneyland are vicious
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
