I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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