She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
