Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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