im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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