I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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