i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize