hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I love you. Go after that dick
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