My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
