I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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