You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Someone came in the potted fern
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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