He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
