she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
