My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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