This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
