I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
