So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
