he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
