i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We just shotgunned beers for America
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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