her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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