i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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