Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
