dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
