I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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