remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
