is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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