see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
