How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
