They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
