When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
