i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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