TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize