I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
