Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
