i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
