I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
