James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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