god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
