im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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